I wanted to say it never gets old, but it’s really just that I only started looking at it. XD;

Anyhow, a friend on Facebook linked to this movie review on the latest installment called Breaking Dawn. It’s in Hebrew, but I’ve taken the liberty of translating it, since there’s no English version to it. As far as I saw.

The original writer is called Esh’har Cohen, and his review can be found here for those lucky few who know Hebrew- http://zone.walla.co.il/?w=%2F2724%2F1878036

I hope it’s a good enough translation. Also, my many thanks to my lovely friend (a duck in profession) for fixing all my silly translation errors!

Tittle - Breaking Esh’dawn (Esh’har and Shahar are nearly similar, and Shahar means Dawn in Hebrew) : A hot live report from “Twilight”

We sent Esh’har to watch Twilight, and started receiving distress text messages right out of the theater. Here’s the text he sent in real time, out of the fires of hell. Beware, spoilers!

21:05

I walked in just in time for the movie’s highlight: Jacob takes off his shirt. Dude, it’s time to find a new schtick. It works great for the sluts, though, they’re clapping like soccer fans. All of Bella and Edward’s (the completely straight sparkly vampire) friends get wedding invitations. That’s why Jacob took off his shirt, by the way. Just kidding, he doesn’t really need a reason to do that.

21:15

Edward: “So Bella, getting cold feet a moment before the wedding? Don’t worry, I’ll heat them up.” - and the crowd cheers.

21: 17

Christine Stewart found a brand new expression (it used to be just the ‘I’m empty inside’ look, and now she has an ‘I’m empty inside and scared’ look, although to me it looks like an ‘I’m constipated’ look).

21:19

The wedding march… I promised myself I wouldn’t cry! It’s the longest wedding march I’ve ever seen in my life. The wedding kiss is terribly long too, and brings about an assortment of orgasms in the crowd. Guys, forget about pleasuring your girl, just put Twilight on and go watch some soccer.

21:25

Jacob comes in late (he’s got his shirt on. Yeah I know, I was shocked too). Interesting change - he has a bar-mitzva mustache. Aww he’s grown so much. I feel like pinching his cheeks! With scissors.

21:34

Finally - the honeymoon we’ve been waitng for. Edward and Bella make love on the beach. That brings about disgusted shouts from the crowd until some girl goes “What do you want from them? It’s a private beach!” Thanks, cpt. Obvious, for saving the day again.

When the soft porn ends Bella wakes up and sees her body is full of bruises. Let’s discuss  this. How can you see a girl wake up bruised all over and go “Oh, that’s romantic”? What’s wrong with this world? Edward’s ashamed of himself, because he’s a vampire, and he can’t control himself (am I the only one who thinks this sounds like basic abusive husband excuses minus the vampire business? Next you know he’ll say the dumbass just happened to fall down the stairs.)

21:36

The third day of marriage. A relationship crisis. Edward’s afraid of having sex and Bella is horny. Since both characters are played by terrible actors, they don’t forget to say ‘I’m angry’ and ‘I’m annoyed’, so that we know how they feel.

21:50

Fascinating Honeymoon montage: Chess game, sex, chess game, sex, chess game, and then it turns out Bella was just dreaming the whole sex business, and actually Edward’s not giving her any. Gods, I can’t stand looking at your desperate face, just buy a dildo and stop whining.

In the meantime Jacob is bitter and jealous of Bella and Edward. I’m so glad they gave Jacob so little screen time.

22:00

Bella’s pregnant! Not just any pregnancy! A vampire pregnancy! Her period is late! Wait. She has to ask Edward if he’s drunk her period before she reaches any conclusions. Apparently the baby is killing her from the inside and eating her innards (and that’s how Kim Kardashian came to the world. The end.)

Bella checks her belly in fright (let’s overlook the fact she’s checking her boobs and liver rather than the womb).

Jacob still has his shirt on.

22:10

Bella and Edward come back home to save her from the murderous baby. Pay attention: Jasper, one of the greatest characters in the history of humanity, says only one word during the entire movie: “Maybe”. And even that’s out of context.

Jacob says that if Bella dies, he’ll kill Edward.

Amen.

22:15

Jacob sees Bella and Edward happy together and runs to the woods, where he tells all the wolves that the coming baby is an abomination and needs to be killed, and then decides that actually no and he stands by Bella through thick and thin. What the…?

22:20

Interesting insight: All the women in this movie are hoes. Oh and on screen, Bella’s taking a shower. It’s all so fascinating and interesting. The baby is still eating her from the inside and she looks like an anorexia ad.

22:30

Bella drinks blood out of a coca cola glass. Oh well, it’s better than Pepsi. She decides to call the baby Renesmee, which is an embarrassing combination of names she knows. Someone rip her brains out already.

22:40

The battle begins, Bella dies and the baby is born. Here’s the climax: Jacob comes to kill the baby, and then falls in love with her. With the baby. Falls in love. IN LOVE! With the BABY! Apparently he has his mark on her (“Forever mine”. What a feminist movie!) so no one can harm her. YAY! Everything’s saved! Edward turns Bella into a vampire, which makes her breasts grow and the movie have a happy ending.

22:45

It’s over. Wow. That was such a bad movie. I’m gonna go home, take two showers and then puke. Good night!